A Sad Rant

Today I discovered that I've been repressing a lot of feelings. My inner-psychologist made me find answers and after I spoke to my spousal-psychologist (Josh, of course) it all came crashing down. Here's how it started:

At 9:45 this morning I got a call from Josh saying that the airline wasn't going to let him board the plane. This is the plane he was to take to come see me and the kids after six weeks of him being gone. Evidently, he needed to be there 30 minutes before take off and he arrived 21 minutes before. The final passenger count occurs 15 minutes before take off, but a cut off is a cut off and there was no leniency, no empathy, nothing for Josh to do but leave the airport. I just don't get it. I understand that there are time constraints and limits, but when you're at a small town airport, you'd think they'd give a little leeway to those who will not delay the flight. The three minutes it would've taken him to pass through security and walk around the corner to the tarmac and board the plane wouldn't have killed anyone. There was something somebody could've done, but they didn't care enough to do it. Josh drove directly from work to the airport. He couldn't have made it any earlier.

From this experience alone, I'm sad. I miss my husband. I want to see him. I expected him to hold me in his strong, loving arms and help me get past all the other stresses in our lives. And it just leaves me so upset that the world is what it is. Maybe I've been sheltered by the good people of Montana for too long, but it seems to me that people should mean more than time or money. Shouldn't we be seeking out ways to love and help others around us? If we put constraints on what we are willing to do for others, then how are we supposed to grow as human beings? We become complacent, detached and desensitized. We are no better than the computers we're sitting at right now. Great for information, but this stupid computer has not reached out to give me a hug all day (except through Cindy's email, but even that was prompted by a person, not the machine itself). I want to fall asleep in my husband's arms, but that's not going to happen. We booked him on a new flight for Sunday, so I will still see him soon, just not when I hoped for.

This just became the tip of the iceberg. I have been trying to remain strong for my family all these weeks and until today I didn't get to find out how I've been feeling. The kids need their mother to be there to hug them and comfort them. They've all been missing their daddy. They all cried when I told them the bad news. I had to be there to help them begin to heal and look forward to Sunday instead of dwelling on the hurt of today. And so, I've done as the song tells us, "Don't worry, be happy." The radio has been taunting me with the song, "Sounds Like Life to Me." Heard that one yet? I want to take a baseball bat to the radio every time that one comes on. It's basically about how this guy is complaining how everything is going wrong and his buddy just tells him it just sounds like he's living life and it can be tough, but try to find the bright side. I'd really like to find the bright side of the singer and then kick him there.

Today I've decided to put off this facade of strength and be real. There is crappy stuff happening in our lives right now. Josh not coming home was just one more thing on the list of crap. I try to be optimistic and look forward to the good things to happen, but right now I just need to feel bad. I'd really appreciate it if my house would just get packed and sell. I'd love it if I could be with Josh right now. I need to know that other stresses will have their doors closed so we can overcome them immediately. I want my children to hold their daddy. I have to have a chance to cry without feeling guilt or shame for it. And the only person standing in my way to do that, is me.

So, to avoid feeling alone in this, let's all just cry together. We'll get a bunch of boxes of tissue and just look at each other with that look that says, "I know, I feel that way too." We'll be sad and it will be okay. We'll give ourselves permission to break the barrier of "I can't show any signs of weakness." And then the catharsis will allow us to handle those issues and face them head on again.

It's okay to cry. At least, it better be. I've been doing it most of the day!