#14 I'm Thankful For.....

Josh tells me that he enjoys reading my blog because it's like reading my journal.  I'm pretty honest with what I write.  Sometimes I write to vent.  Sometimes I write to inform. Sometimes I write to brag.  Sometimes I write because I'm so bored that I'll die if I don't do something. 

Tonight I write to sort myself out.  I gave myself a week to slow down and prepare to recharge.  We began losing our baby a week ago today.  Since then, I've been trying to relax so I can heal both physically and emotionally. 

Physically: Tomorrow I'm going running for the first time in over a week.  It's the longest I've gone without running since August.  I'm looking forward to getting out and just running.  Plus, it's time to get these extra pounds back off.  I gained several pounds the last six weeks as I ate what I wanted when I wanted.  Tomorrow I put my Bodybugg back on and start logging my food again.  No more late night ice cream binges.  I don't know if I'll really miss that.  The binging guilt isn't always worth it.

Emotionally: I'm still having a hard time.  I still know Heavenly Father loves us.  And I truly believe we are meant to have another child in the near future.  But there are those things that get me down.  I didn't give birth, but my body has to heal as if I did.  This is where I get a bit upset.  I don't have a baby, so why should I have to deal with this for so many days?  A miscarriage isn't like a regular period.  But it's not like postpartum recovery.  It's this limbo in between.  But with the same amount of hormones.  And that's the killer.

I'm not at that point where I see pregnant women and mourn.  I see babies and want one, but I was like that before. 

I think the hardest part is speaking out loud about how I feel.  I can write about it, but when I talk about it I worry about being too emotional.  And then the person I'm talking to might get worried about me.  I don't want anyone to worry.  I'm the worrier.  That's my job.  Not anyone else's.  So I go into mechanical mode and I feel like I sound so heartless.  Like I don't really care that I lost a baby.  But I do.  It feels so contradictory and I hate feeling that way.  But I haven't figured out how to master the balance yet.

And so I write.  It's easier than talking.  My favorite aspect of my keyboard is the Backspace button.  I can express myself so much easier because of it.  And I can take a while to think about what I want to say.  There's no pressure on me to answer the question, "How are you?" because I can sit and figure out what the answer really is before I say it.  I can express myself and feel liberated.

Today I'm thankful for my blog and my ability to write.  I'm thankful for emails I write that express my feelings even more than my blog does.  I like writing.  I wish I could do it even more.  And I hope to be proficient at it one day. 

The Next Project

Life is slowly getting back to normal. I've got a living room full of boxes to unpack and put away. I took them out of the garage to force myself to face them and do something about them. Yeah, that worked. It seems that I always have excuses to not work on them.... doctor appointments, projects with the kids, the need to sleep. But I digress.

I'm almost ready to allow my creative side to work again. I was working on a new story before the move, but I think I'll put it on hold. I'm thinking I need to explore a more personal journey. One that cuts to my soul. I think I'm going to entitle it Foibles of the Mormon Momma. All about a woman who recognizes her inability to be the perfect and ideal mother.

I thought of this as I was speeding to church on Sunday and showed up only five minutes late for the meeting. This is an accomplishment for me. I only broke one law (speeding -- I did make a full stop at the stop sign along the way) and I got there before the blessing of the Sacrament. Score.

I was thinking about my achievement and thought of my imperfections. I've noticed that so many of the mothers I know have at least one talent that they do so very well that makes them a good mom.

For instance, look at my sisters. Tara "goes and does." I've never known Tara to give up on anything or anyone. If something needs to be done, she does it. If something needs to be addressed, she does it. If someone needs to be loved, she does it. She can be aggressive (that's a compliment, Sis) when needed and is always determined. Her boys are learning to do this. She works for them and handles all of her responsibilities very well. She doesn't quit.

Lori is probably the quietest of the Williams kids, but she's also got the biggest heart. She's always there for everyone around her. She was only 24 (I think) when she was called to be the Primary President at church. This means she was responsible for the local organization of all the children's activities at church. She's so reliable and steady. She's a rock and is always there for her boys.

So my main character is going to discover and recognize those around her with the different talents. Of course, along the way she's going to learn more about herself and that she doesn't have to be the perfect and ideal mother. She just has to be confident in her own talents and she'll find more satisfaction in her calling as a mother.

I'm actually looking forward to this because as my character discovers her abilities, I think I'm going to have to find my own. After all, this is going to be a very personal story. A journey, if you will.

A New Decade....

There is so much to look forward to at the beginning of a new year, but when it's also the beginning of a new decade AND a blue moon, it's nearly overwhelming.

First of all, let me just say that 2009 was one of the most difficult years we've experienced so far. In fact, there were some things that happened that I just need some closure on. Thank goodness we get to close the door on the year, maybe that will help a little.

We had some good things too. Emma turned 8 on Easter Sunday and was baptized that evening. That was a good thing. Abby became an incredible reader and reads at least two grade levels above her age group. That's a good thing. Matt has a healthy heart and only broke one bone this year. That was a good thing. Millie turned one and scares the poop out of all of us. That really is a good thing, because we all laugh about that.

Josh got a new job, we have a new home (however temporary it is), we're all healthy and happy. It's a good way to begin the decade.

I've decided to write my goals for the year. I didn't write them last year and now I have no idea how pitifully I didn't fulfill them.

2010 Goals:

1. Stop using my pseudo-swear words. No more "crap" or "fricken" or "crap." This is going to be hard.

2. Finish my novel. Josh thinks this is going to be a lofty goal. Granted, so far I only have the Prologue, but I just rewrote it the other day and I like it so it should spur me on to finish the rest of the book, I hope.

3. Lose those last 25 lbs. I'll do this by exercising at least five days a week and eating better. That means I've got to finish the last few Diet Cherry Pepsi's in the fridge so I can stop drinking soda pop. And we've got to finish up the ice cream cake in the freezer so we can stop eating ice cream.

I think that's a pretty good start.

Here's to a new year, a new decade, and a new attitude of resolve. Cheers!