Another Talk

I hate it when plans change.  If I'm planning on something, I expect to do it.

Because of that logic, I often don't tell the kids what we're doing until right before we do it.  We've had past instances when they were told what they were going to do but then things changed and we had to deal with sad kids.  I hate that.

Now that's a habit I have.  I don't tell the kids what our plans are until right before we leave to do them.  Problem is, I forgot I hadn't told the kids about Matt's MRI on Monday.  So when I casually mentioned it tonight, it brought up a long conversation between Matt and me.

Matt and I had another talk about his pulmonary atresia.  It's the second one of its kind.  Go HERE for the first time we had this talk.  Matt remembered quite a bit about what his condition is, but at first he was afraid he'd have to go directly to surgery after his MRI.  My poor baby.

We talked about his upcoming surgery.  He cried when he said he doesn't want another bovine valve.  He just wants to be "like normal."  He also told me that he's scared.  I decided to be honest and tell him that I am too.  But he has good doctors that are looking out for him and, more importantly, lots of people are praying for him, including his daddy and me.  And he can pray for himself too. 

Matt was still a bit scared and said, "Now I'm old enough to know how to die.  When you pray for me, will you pray that if I die during surgery that I die without pain?"

{Enter Tears stage left}

I honestly can't remember what was talked about after that point.  I know there were hugs and reassurances.  He went upstairs to bed with a smile on his face.  He felt better and I felt.... well.... something.  It's hard to describe.

This whole thing is weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  The hospital called this morning to pre-register him and give us an idea of what our out-of-pocket expenses will be.  The MRI alone will cost more than Matt's last surgery cost us in total.  If he needs a surgery soon, I have no idea how much that will cost us.  There's so much stress emotionally, financially, and physically. 

One of the hardest parts is knowing that I did this.  I allowed him to have the surgery that spurred the rest of the surgeries throughout his life.  Really, Josh and I sat down with the doctor and went over all of the facts carefully and concisely and agreed that the surgery was going to be the best thing for Matt.  But Mommy-guilt knows no rationality.

We'll see what happens on Monday.  Actually, it may be a week or two until we find out how the MRI goes.  He's not in an emergent state, so we'll have our regular check up with his cardiologist and talk to him about the results at that point in time.

I knew parenthood would be difficult, I just didn't know what "difficult" meant.