Josh tells me that he enjoys reading my blog because it's like reading my journal. I'm pretty honest with what I write. Sometimes I write to vent. Sometimes I write to inform. Sometimes I write to brag. Sometimes I write because I'm so bored that I'll die if I don't do something.
Tonight I write to sort myself out. I gave myself a week to slow down and prepare to recharge. We began losing our baby a week ago today. Since then, I've been trying to relax so I can heal both physically and emotionally.
Physically: Tomorrow I'm going running for the first time in over a week. It's the longest I've gone without running since August. I'm looking forward to getting out and just running. Plus, it's time to get these extra pounds back off. I gained several pounds the last six weeks as I ate what I wanted when I wanted. Tomorrow I put my Bodybugg back on and start logging my food again. No more late night ice cream binges. I don't know if I'll really miss that. The binging guilt isn't always worth it.
Emotionally: I'm still having a hard time. I still know Heavenly Father loves us. And I truly believe we are meant to have another child in the near future. But there are those things that get me down. I didn't give birth, but my body has to heal as if I did. This is where I get a bit upset. I don't have a baby, so why should I have to deal with this for so many days? A miscarriage isn't like a regular period. But it's not like postpartum recovery. It's this limbo in between. But with the same amount of hormones. And that's the killer.
I'm not at that point where I see pregnant women and mourn. I see babies and want one, but I was like that before.
I think the hardest part is speaking out loud about how I feel. I can write about it, but when I talk about it I worry about being too emotional. And then the person I'm talking to might get worried about me. I don't want anyone to worry. I'm the worrier. That's my job. Not anyone else's. So I go into mechanical mode and I feel like I sound so heartless. Like I don't really care that I lost a baby. But I do. It feels so contradictory and I hate feeling that way. But I haven't figured out how to master the balance yet.
And so I write. It's easier than talking. My favorite aspect of my keyboard is the Backspace button. I can express myself so much easier because of it. And I can take a while to think about what I want to say. There's no pressure on me to answer the question, "How are you?" because I can sit and figure out what the answer really is before I say it. I can express myself and feel liberated.
Today I'm thankful for my blog and my ability to write. I'm thankful for emails I write that express my feelings even more than my blog does. I like writing. I wish I could do it even more. And I hope to be proficient at it one day.
2 comments:
Shelly, you have been a really trouper through this. I am still amazed that you were still up for the little hike the other day. :) You are lucky you have so much family surrounding you.
Whenever I have been through something traumatic I go into the same mechanical mode. I do it especially when it's someone I don't feel as emotionally connected to. I can't open the window to my heart when I am not sure they will understand it.
I too am thankful for the outlet to express my feelings. And I adore the backspace & delete buttons. I wish I could always take back what I just said so easily.
Bless you Shelly! I am still praying for you. It is not something you get over in a day or a week.
Post a Comment