The Theory of "Mom Years"

I'm pregnant.

I know, shocker.

I was thinking about it this morning, though.  This weekend I was blessed with  more energy than I've had in weeks.  Yesterday morning I did more housework in four hours than I was able to do in the last four weeks.  What's the difference this pregnancy compared to my first?

10 years.

I'm 33.  That's not old.  I swear.  I have lots of life left in me, but this pregnancy has knocked me on my butt.  It was WAY easier when I was 23.  I was working a full time job where I was on and off my feet 8 hours a day.  I had a thirty minute commute to work, which really wasn't too bad.  I still did all the shopping and cooking and most of the cleaning.  And I did swell up to the size of the Goodyear blimp.  But until I was morbidly pregnant (like morbidly obese, just with an 8 lb baby inside me) I was functioning just fine.

I have a few more/different activities in my life now.  I still do all the shopping, cooking, and most of the cleaning.  I'm not working at the bank for 8 hours a day, but I am taking care of a 22-month-old 24/7.  I help 3 kids do their homework.  I do laundry twice a week to keep up with everyone.  I do all the little mundane "Mom" things each and every day (this week is focusing on making Halloween costumes).  And I spend about ten to twenty minutes each evening reading to each child individually so we have that bonding time together.  So I'm not at a paid job 40 hours a week, but I consistently work everyday.

Here's my theory.  Kind of how they say there are 7 dog years for each human year, so it is with typical calendar years and Mom Years.  With the birth of every child, a mother's body ages.  Not the way she looks, necessarily, although that may be true for some.  It's just the way she feels.  It all catches up with her quicker and quicker after each child: the fatigue, the sore back, the lack of motivation and energy, take your pick.

I think, for the sake of easy math, a woman's body ages, oh let's say, five years per kid.  So I was 23 when Emma was born.  That means that even though I was technically 24 when Abby was born, my body was 29.  Two years later Matt was born and in Mom Years I advanced to 36 -- in calendar years I was 26, but I'd already had two other kids (5 + 5 = 10 + 26 = 36).  When Millie was born, the calendar said I was 31 but in Mom years I was 46.  Now, in Mom Years, I am 53 and pregnant. 

Dang!  No wonder I'm so stinking tired!!

The Magician's Assistant

There's one job I've never considered doing.  A magician's assistant.  I just never thought about it before.

But it's a life of adventure, danger, and even mystery.  Haven't you ever seen The Prestige?  Never mind the fact that Josh had to explain it to me because I didn't get it.  (Don't judge me.)  There are lots of things the assistant does.  She keeps the audience entertained while the magician subtly sets up for the next trick.  She also distracts them at just the right moment for the trick to completely succeed.  She brings props onstage and takes them off.  Sometimes she is the prop. 

Have you ever seen the knife throwing trick?  You know, the one where the magician throws the daggers and they barely miss the confident and always-smiling assistant all around her head and torso. 

Recently a stranger gave us the chance to be the assistant to his magician.  It all started when his truck backed into our car in a private parking lot.  He apologized for not looking before pulling out of his spot.  It seemed like it would easy enough to get the puncture from the corner of his bumper out of the door of our car.  He seemed like a nice guy.

Then the magic began.

The nice guy donned his top hat, twisted his mustache, and pulled out the daggers.

Dagger 1: When we called his insurance to file the claim, they told us that he reported that he and Josh both backed out at the same time.  As an eye witness to this collision (I was in the van watching Josh so I could back out as well) I can assure you that Josh had backed out of his parking spot, already stopped and was about to drive away.

Dagger 2: It's no secret that we don't care much for our car.  It has issues.  So if we have to endure the pain and suffering of filing claims and standing in front of the dagger target board, Mr Magician, make it worth our while!  I don't know how much it'll cost to fix our door.  We don't even know if it will open or close.  We haven't tried it yet because we can't take the chance that it won't close since Josh has to drive it to and from work.  But it's not going to total it.  It's just going to inconvenience us.  A lot. 

Dagger 3: I got a call today from our insurance telling us that Mr Magician had filed a claim against us.  Enter daggers 4 thru 12.  Excuse me, sir.  I need to turn around so you can target my back where all of your daggers actually belong.  I don't know how this guy can live with the thought of expecting us to take care of his bumper.  He didn't look where he was going.  He ran into Josh.  He has some nerve thinking he's justified. 

Thank you, Mr Magician, for giving me a chance at a job I never knew I never wanted.

Getting Ready.....

We're having some fun at our house getting ready for Halloween.  Costumes are being constructed or are already completed.  Decorating is in progress, though right now our only decoration is a tombstone that reads "Vacancy."  And we've been playing with Jib Jab.  You can see one of our creations above (until the link expires, at least) and here you can see my favorite one that we just made.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Happy Halloween!!!

I Do Not Feel Prepared

Two days ago I turned off our air conditioner.  I can just hear the racking of our electric bill slowing by leaps and bounds.  I opened the windows, enjoyed the fresh air and reminded myself to keep the yelling to a minimum with all the windows opened.

I did not, however, realize it was time to prepare for cooler weather.  I figured I'd have a few more weeks before I had to worry about putting away shorts.  And maybe I do.  I think we're having a cold spell for a few days.  And by "cold spell" I mean our high will be in the low 70s.

Today I realized that I needed to be prepared.



This morning it was raining.  The first morning we've woken to rain in a very, very long time.  And with the cooler temps, I needed to find the kids' jackets.  So now my garage is home to an empty box and loose lying coats in a pile as I searched and searched for jackets for the kids to wear to school today. 

I've obviously been taking advantage of the beautiful weather of Arizona since I had to unearth the jackets.  But I desperately searched for them this morning mostly so the kids won't freeze their tails off in school today.  If they freeze in their classrooms when it's 110* outside, how cold will it be on an anomaly day like today?  I may even need to stop at the store and pick up some hot chocolate as an after school snack. 

And some info on the video: It's a clip from the movie Hoodwinked.  It's about all the different points of view surrounding the suspicious circumstances of Red Riding Hood discovering her Granny tied up in the closet, the Wolf in Granny's bed, and the crazy Woodcutter bearing an axe.  If you haven't seen it, you really really need to.  I don't know if you can rent it.  If you can't, just buy it.  It's so great everyone will love it. 

No, I'm Not Complaining

I've had a request.

My husband would like me to write something on here.  He misses my writing.  I think it gives him a nice break to just sit and read some of the nonsense that goes through my head.  And since he hasn't mastered the art of reading my mind (imagine that), I'll oblige him.

I haven't written a new post for a while because the only thing truly on my mind is this:

Ah, crap, pregnancy is killing me!

And I have several more months to endure and complain.  If I start complaining too much now, will anyone (including Josh) even read anything I write anymore?

Well, I haven't done a Top Ten List for a while.  So here we go:

Top Ten Things I'm Trying to Avoid Complaining About:

10.  I've finished my Couch to 5k program but have no 5k to participate in.  What the heck, man?  I'm not allowed to do my half-marathon.  So now what?  Just run for my health???  Seriously???

9.  My house is so dirty.  I truly have to wonder: Am I experiencing Nesting or is my house really just trashed?  I'm so afraid to know the answer.

8.  I am tired.  All. The. Time. 

7.  If I thought I was weepy before, then I better buy stock in Kleenex now.  I was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  I know that show can pull at the heart strings, but I started crying when the team did a Flash Mob to notify the family they were chosen for the makeover.  What's a flash mob, you ask?  A sad and/or sentimental thing?  No.  It's when dancers are planted in a crowd and start dancing to amplified music.  That's not sad!  It was clever!  And I was crying!!  Give me a break.

6.  I got the worst advice ever from my doctor: Only eat what sounds good.  Great.  You know what sounds good?  Carmel rolls.  Ice cream.  Carmel popcorn.  Chocolate.  Chocolate covered peanuts.  Ice cream with chocolate, carmel, and peanuts.  Mmmmm......

5.  My boobs hurt.  Just putting that one out there.

4.  Millie is getting too smart.  She knows when she's made a bodily noise.  It's too hard to blame her for mine because she'll rat me out.  And we have no dog.  Life isn't fair.

3.  Did I mention I'm tired a lot?  I basically have one good effort of energy a day -- and usually that's used to roll out of bed.  Any activity requiring more energy than that doesn't stand much of a chance.  Oh, you're hungry?  There's the peanut butter and jelly.  Have fun.

2.  I told my friend Cindy that I feel like I have the flu.  Minus every single symptom but fatigue and nausea.  Although, I think I can add body aches back in there.  I'm pretty sure I could get a note from my doctor to excuse me from strenuous activity if need be.

And Number 1:

If you missed my post on Facebook, here it is again: "Pregnancy mood swings are like a pendulum. A pendulum that's just been round-house kicked by Chuck Norris after he was yelled at by his pregnant wife and he's still clueless as to what he did wrong. ~Shelly"  Oh my goodness, my mood swings are just beginning, but they keep popping up.  "Oh, I love my children.... HOLY HECK, WHO LEFT THEIR BOWL ON THE TABLE?..... I have the best life in the world..... EVERYBODY ZIP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!  Yep, I'm a stereotype.

And those are the things I've been avoiding complaining about on my blog.

Baby News

Ten years ago, when I was pregnant with Emma, there's no way I'd be given an appointment to see an OB before I was at least 12 weeks along.  The idea was that if I lost the baby, there was nothing that could be done anyway, so it wasn't worth the doctor's time.  Okay, that's the tactless way to say it, but that's what the idea was.

Seven years ago, when I was pregnant with Matt, I was lucky to get more than one ultrasound of my baby boy.  In truth, we were all lucky that I got more than one ultrasound since that's what, in essence, saved him when he was born.  But that's a whole other story.

I noticed with Millie that things were different.  I got to see the doc almost immediately.  I got an ultrasound at that first visit, if for no other reason than to verify my due date.  All this early attention makes having a baby that much more fun.  And when you're preparing for your body to endure the most uncomfortable, painful, confusing, and sometimes grotesque nine months of your life, some positive attention is a very good thing.

Baby 5 is no different.  I called my new OB and got my first appointment within four days of calling.  That first appointment lasted a couple of hours as we detailed my OB and health history, drew my blood work, had the oh-so-wonderful physical exam, and yes, saw our baby for the first time.



It's hard to see, so let me explain a little about this picture.  According to the dates, my due date should be May 28.  But the ultrasound shows that our baby is much smaller than that.  The ultrasound equipment can't measure anyone who is less than 2 mm.  Our baby is 1 mm.  So little!! 

**In my head I call our baby a "she".  Is that bad?  I don't know who's coming into our family, but until we know, I'll just trust that the girls will continue to overrule.**

Anyway, the machine couldn't pick up her heartbeat because she's not 2 mm yet, but we could see it.  We could see the heart of our 1 mm baby beating.  Imagine, if she's 1 mm, how big must her heart be?  And we saw it beating.  Oh, the beautiful miracles of life. 

Anyway, in the photo above, our baby is the little tiny smudge in the upper corner of the central circle that the arrow is pointing to.  The words there say, "Baby 1 mm." 

As of right now, the ultrasound says our due date is June 10.  Due dates can fluctuate so much that I'll just plan on her being born sometime around the first of June since we have to plan another c-section. 

That's a rant for another day.

Happy Birthday, My Love!

My husband is the best in the world.  Don't fight me, because I will win.

And tomorrow is his birthday.  Happy birthday, My Love!!

It's so difficult for me to express how much I love him.  It's one of those things that I don't think I can truly do until we are all in Heaven and the stumbling block of mortality is lifted.  He's my favorite. 

One of the things I love so much about him is how much he makes me laugh.  We quote movies and TV shows to each other all the time.  These are some of my favorite impressions he does:

It's the "Scooby Doo on the plane!" part that cracks me up.  I think it's hilarious to see the original show, but even FUNNIER to hear Josh's impression of Ms Swan. 

Another one I love to hear him do:

So funny.  Especially since Josh doesn't look like either of these two characters.  Every day with him is a new adventure and a new chance to laugh and happily live together.  It seems to happen quite often that he and I sit in the front of the van laughing our heads off over some inside joke while the girls sit in the back yelling up to us, "What's so funny?  What's so funny?"

Of course, there's more to our relationship than just laughing our heads off like kids that are supposed to be asleep at a slumber party.  There's also plenty of love and mushy stuff.  The first time I heard this song, I didn't know I was pregnant, but it made me think of my incredible husband.  If our kids are anything like him, they'll be just fine. 

So happy birthday to the man of my dreams.  You are incredible!

Sick and Tired

The word is out.

I'm sick and tired.

But in a good way.

Sometime around the end of May, this blog will be retitled.  But for now we'll just call it the J.S.E.A.M.M.?. Project.  That's right, Baby 5 is on his/her way. 

So far this baby has caught me by major surprise. 

1.  The pregnancy test I took at the ER almost 3 weeks ago was negative.  Therefore I had a bunch of x-rays done to find out why my breathing problems were happening.  First time I've had a negative that should've been a positive.  I thought it was a little early to test, but not much.  If Clear Blue Easy can detect pregnancy up to five days early, a hospital-grade test should be able to as well, right? Riiiight.

2.  In trying to prepare to run a 1/2 marathon, I learned that I really only had a 20% chance of getting pregnant.  I figured it would take a while to get pregnant.  We knew we wanted another baby, but I really thought it would take a while.  Like it did with the other kids.  It took over 2 years to get pregnant with Millie and a year to get pregnant with Matt and about 8 months to get pregnant with Emma after our miscarriage in 1999 (Abby was the exception, remember she and Emma are 13 months a part). 

3.  TMI Alert.  So, I've been so tired and my stomach has been upset and I was late, so I asked Josh to bring me another pregnancy test so we could just check it to make sure.  It was Saturday morning and I knew Josh was on his way home, but I really had to pee.  I grabbed a plastic cup.  TMI, remember.  I left it up in the bathroom and went downstairs to take care of the other kids.  Josh got home and went upstairs while I was still getting kids settled down.  I finally got to go upstairs and I popped my head into the room.  I asked him if he started the test and HE told ME that I was pregnant.  How often does that happen?  Well, I guess 1 out of 6 times?

Josh and I are very happy.  Our parents are happy.  Our siblings are happy.  Most of our kids are happy.  Emma's having some difficulty.  But I remember feeling that way when I was 9 and my mom was having a baby.  She goes back and forth.  She gets upset about the baby, but then tells everyone she sees about him/her.  We're definitely trying to make sure all the kids know how much we love them individually and want them to be happy.

And that's all why I'm sick and tired.

Oh, Now I Remember....

This weekend my sister and I went to clean our parents' new house in preparation for them to move their things down in about a week or so. 

Their house was previously a rental.  And it looks like it.

It's a comfortable home, but it needs lots of fix ups here and there.  And there.  And over there too. 

I had wanted to get a general cleaning done and was so glad my sister agreed to come down with me.  I don't think I would've gotten much done by myself. 

As we did the dishes together yesterday morning, I was reminded of when we were younger and had to do the dishes together. 



Shelly and Tara, Sept 1986



Oh man, it took us forever!  For one thing, there were 7 peoples-worth of dishes.  For another thing, I think there was more playing, bickering, and whining than washing on most nights. 

It took us a lot less time yesterday.  And there was a lot less bickering.

Something I'll need to remember the next time it takes my kids over an hour to do a chore that would take me 15 minutes to complete!