Confessions of a Fatty

Not too many years ago, I weighed nearly 200 lbs. I was not pregnant at the time. You may be thinking one of two things:

1. Wow, she's brave to admit that. Kudos to you, Fatty, for putting it all out there.

or

2. How in the world could you let yourself go like that?

I've been trying to figure out my difficulties in weight loss. Why am I having such a hard time losing weight? Why did I gain so much in the first place?

Here's what I've come up with:

There's no such thing as baby weight.
I started gaining weight when I was pregnant the first time. I was pregnant for about a week. Within that week I adopted the mindset that I should eat what I want when I want. I was entitled to it because pregnant women are cute and chubby. Why wait for the natural "baby weight" to kick in? I wanted to be cute and prego.

Comfort Foods and Depression.
I've had a few times in my life when I've been dealt some devastating blows. I really was pregnant for just a few weeks that first time. I couldn't handle the loss of my baby very well. I found comfort in Josh's arms and with sugar. Five years later, when I was pregnant with Matt, I kept myself in pretty good shape. I was 5 months pregnant and sword fighting onstage--best workout ever! About two or three months later, we found out about Matt's heart and I slipped into another depression. My favorite comfort foods included cheddar jalapeno poppers, ice cream, popcorn, and soda pop. I blew up like a balloon.

Getting fat is convenient.
While Josh and I were going to school, we had no time to do anything. We woke up in enough time to take our children to various childcare locations so we could be to class by 8am. We spent all day in classes. We had workstudy jobs at the school, which would run until about 5pm. We picked up our children and by 5:45 we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner. I only had about an hour before I had to go back to school for play rehearsals, so we usually had fast food or homecooked fast food. Either way, we rarely ate salads, fruits, or lean proteins. Our carbs were hardly ever complex. My exercises consisted of walking around campus, sitting, writing notes, and eating. I'm pretty sure I didn't gain the Freshman 15. It was more like the Nontraditional Student Four-Year Plan 50.

Moms aren't supposed to be trim and fit.
All my life I've been told that moms should take care of everyone else. Moms come last. That means that if something's gotta give, it's gonna be momma's needs. The whole family can't wait for an activity because Mommy needs to finish her workout. If the kids won't eat whole wheat bread, than Mommy should just buy the stuff the kids like and give up. Also, if I've had a bad day with the kids, I should have a treat. The only treat I can get when I'm at home with sleeping babies is a late night freezer raid. But, as a mom, I'm entitled to unwind and if it's with chocolate, then so be it.

If I can't have what I want, at least I've got chocolate.
Being poor sucks. If I can't have my own house, at least I've got cake. If I can't have an easy day of bill paying, at least I've got M&Ms. If I can't buy the thousands of dollars of things I'd like for our home, at least I've got taquitos and sour cream.

So, where does this leave me now? I still have many of these same issues. Now that I know where so much of it stemmed from, how do I change this? Every one of these previous thought processes include the idea that I'm entitled to food because..... So I just have to change my habits. I don't need food as a reward. I don't need food as a comfort. Food is fuel. If I eat healthily (lean proteins, complex carbs, fruits and veggies, healthy fats), I can have the fuel I need to get through the day. And it won't make me fat, as long as I eat it in moderation.

There are so many theories of what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat. I'm quitting. I will eat three meals a day, with a small snack in between. I need to try to stop eating after dinner. I'll get the nutrition I need and stop focusing so much on "Am I doing this right?" I'm just going to live. I'll eat good foods and keep my exercising. I'll keep checking in every week to report my progress.

We Can Do This!!!!

How'd you do?

Visions of Sugar Plums

Yesterday the kids were out playing in the backyard. Now, you have to understand what it's like where we live. We live in Arizona. In the desert. In a portion of the Valley that, 10 years ago, was uninhabited except for the coyotes, vermin, and scorpions. Our backyard is a big dirt pit. We have no grass, no weeds, it's just a bunch of dirt.


So, the kids were out there digging in the dirt. They had dug a pretty big hole and when I called them to come inside, they argued that they couldn't stop because they had just discovered a dinosaur bone. I told them to leave it and come inside. I was actually quite worried about it, because what if it was a mouse skeleton or something gross like that? I mean, that would be gross! I told them they couldn't dig any more until Josh went outside with them.


The girls, however, were absolutely convinced that they had a great discovery in the backyard. They just knew that this dinosaur bone was going to make them $$RICH$$! So they began talking about the amazing things they could buy with their million$ of dollar$. They could live in Hawaii! They could buy a car with a massager for your butt, back, and armpits (Abby's contribution to the conversation). And the thing they both went ga-ga for.........

Fancy bowls with straws to drink the milk!

Oh, how they wanted those fancy bowls. Then they could just suck up the milk when they eat cereal in the mornings. That dinosaur bone outside was going to give them everything they ever wanted.



Unfortunately, when Josh went out with them later, they discovered that the dinosaur bone was actually a really hard dirt clot.




Fortunately, when we went grocery shopping later that day, we just happened to find the really fancy bowls with straws! We splurged and spent the $.98/bowl and the kids felt like they had just won the lottery.

We Can Do It!

Upon Lori's suggestion (and Tara Bennett's endorsement---yes, everyone's opinions matter to me!!) I've decided to call the weekly weight check-in "We Can Do It." I also liked Jeri Dawn's idea of "Operation: Fit Into My Pants" but I wasn't sure if you had dibs on that one, JD.

Anyway, I've been religiously exercising this week. Everyday. We'll see how tomorrow goes, Saturdays are always so tricky. Especially since we have a trip to the zoo planned. My downfall is, and has always been, food. Either I eat too much or not enough. I can't seem to find the right balance. I use my Biggest Loser cookbook, but that only does me so much good when I pop myself a bag of popcorn at 8pm. Help!!! I really, really want to do something like the NutriSystem diet, but I'm scared to do stuff like that. What happens after I've lost the weight and begin making my own food again? I'll tell you what happens....

Hello, Fatty!!

I don't need that again. I remind myself quite often, that I began this journey two years ago. I was interrupted with a pregnancy, so that takes a year out of the count. In the year I've been doing this, I've lost 35 lbs. That's good. But why is this last half of my weight loss journey so tricky? Maybe it's because I keep changing tactics. I have become a bit of a connoisseur of exercise programs. I'm sticking with the Insanity program. This week has been a killer, but if I can stick with it, I'll see results soon, I'm sure. I've just got to keep exercising and working on my food choices. No more "cheat foods" or "cheat meals". Just because I did a good job working out, doesn't mean I've earned the naughty foods.

I'll try it out for a week and we'll see how it goes.

How'd you do?

Extraordinary Measures

Anyone seen the previews for this one? At first it caught my attention because it's a Harrison Ford movie. Love him. Then I noticed Brendan Fraser. Love him more. Then I saw Keri Russell. Hello? How much better can this movie get? Then I saw what it was about.

It seems that the movie is about a man who does everything in his power to find the cure for his two children who have the fatal Pompe Disease. I don't know much more about it, but there's a little blurb about the real man on the movie's website. Click Here to check it out. After seeing that, I really want to go see this movie when it comes to theaters in a few weeks.

This may be pulling extra hard at my heart strings because of Matt. Matt is getting to the age where he understands his heart condition much better. He knows he's had surgery and that he'll need it again. This makes the most minor trip to the doctor extra scary for him. He's also told me a lot lately (including today) that it feels weird to have Aunt Lori's blood and strangers' blood in his body. He did think it was really cool when I told him that I have strangers' blood in my body too.

He's just really beginning to understand and it's a very nerve-wracking transition. We have to take him to a new cardiologist here and I'm hoping he will not be too scared. Last we knew, his heart is doing just fine and we shouldn't have to worry about his next surgery for a few years. But I can't help but remember his depression after his last surgery, which was March 2007. He was not quite three and we had to actively encourage him to drink, eat and move around. The toll on his spirit was obvious--you could see it in his eyes. Of course I just wanted to hold him and protect him, but I had to get him to be uncomfortable and get out of bed. The thing that finally worked was a little car he could drive through the halls of the pediatric ward.

He also got to drink with straws. He liked that.

So, I'm interested in watching this movie. You do what you can to help your children. Even if it kills you and breaks your heart. I spent most of the week in the hospital with Matt laying on his bed with him. Our hotel room was 15 to 30 minutes away (depending on traffic in downtown Denver) and that felt like a million miles when I had to be away from him. I love Matt. I'm so grateful that his heart has been so healthy so far. I wish with all my might that I'll never have to see the look of pain and panic in his eyes ever again, but I know it's not only possible but probable.

In thinking about it, it's Matt who has taken Extraordinary Measures. At the age of 5 he has already begun facing the demons of the depression that falls on a person whose heart has literally been in someone else's hands. He's a special boy. A much stronger person than he may ever realize. He's got his Daddy's spirit. He'll grow to be a good man like Josh.

They both amaze me. And I love them.

Reading Rainbow Connection

I've begun homeschooling the kids. I'm doing this for several reasons, one of which is because we will probably move again before the end of the school year and the kids would most likely change schools again. Instead of making them go to 4 schools this year, they'll just go to 2, plus homeschool.

Part of our curriculum includes the kids reading chapter books. Santa brought a few for the kids' stockings this year. After we finish reading all the books, I think we might watch the movies.

Here's the rundown of who is reading what:

Emma has already finished her book from Santa...

Anne of Green Gables

Abby and I are reading together...

Pollyanna

Matt and I are reading...

Treasure Island

I'm very happy that Emma has already finished her book. I need to get the whole series for her to read. Abby goes back and forth about being excited about reading her book. I'm fascinated by the story, but then again, I love Haley Mills movies. Remember when she was Miss Bliss on Saved By the Bell? Ah, those were the days.

The kid that has impressed me the most is Matt. He has never been one to sit still for anything, but he brings me his book and asks me to read to him a few times a day. It's been great. I think he'll love the Muppet version of the movie. I never liked the older version of the movie when my dad would watch it when I was a kid, but now that I'm reading it, it's a good story.

Now I just have to get Netflix or something so I can find these movies.

A Day At The Park

Today I took the kids to the park. Don't ask me why, but I just don't enjoy taking them there. It's just down the street from our house. I don't know what the big deal is. And it's nothing personal against my children. I just don't like going to the park. I still owe my brother Peter a trip to the park. Unfortunately, I think that ship has sailed since he's now 23 and he and his wife are having a baby in two months.

I did find it interesting that each kid enjoyed a specific area of the park.

Millie: Loved the dirt. Some eating of it, but mostly letting it slide through her fingers. The park had no swings (what's up with that???) so I don't know if she would have liked them, but I have a feeling that she might have.

Matt: Also loved the dirt, but he mostly liked the kicking, throwing, and digging in it. I'm surprised we didn't bring more of it home with us.

Abby: Loved the monkey bars. She loved swinging rung to rung and discovering that the sand could keep her hands from being too sweaty and slippery.

Emma: Loved the bridge connecting the two sets of slides. It was her favorite place to be as she imagined that she was a princess being held captive by the evil queen. Luckily, the evil queen had installed an emergency exit so Emma was able to escape. Silly evil queen.

It's pretty obvious that I need to be more willing to spend time at the park with the kids. Happily, we don't live near Bus Stop Mom anymore, so the lady I ran into today was a lady from church and we had a very pleasant conversation. I may have made a friend.

I guess the park's not so bad after all.

The New and Improved 'Fess Up Friday

Okay, my friends, it is time to get that fire burning in our bellies. And our calves.

I have decided to take a new go at this weight loss journey. I have 25 lbs left. That's it. It doesn't sound like a lot until I remember that I've lost virtually nothing over the last six or seven months. This is going to happen, but I need your help!

I'm going to be starting a new Beachbody program called Insanity. I began it before Thanksgiving, but the holidays, moving and chocolate all got in the way. But I'm renewed. The daily exercise begins Monday!

Also, I'm going to eat better. I'm giving up soda pop. Completely. I'm cutting back on sugar and simple carbs. A lot. I think my mind is not convinced that this is going to happen, so I've got to just do it. I probably need to go cold turkey. I don't like cold turkey. Yuck!

The third thing is my weekly affirmation. I'm not digging the 'Fess Up Friday post name. I don't get to post every Friday and the inconsistency really bugs me. Any ideas of what this weekly post can be called?

Finally, I need some virtual support. I rally you, my friends. I rent my cloak and yell above the cheers of the crowd,

"Let's do this! Let's get in shape! Who's with me??"

A New Decade....

There is so much to look forward to at the beginning of a new year, but when it's also the beginning of a new decade AND a blue moon, it's nearly overwhelming.

First of all, let me just say that 2009 was one of the most difficult years we've experienced so far. In fact, there were some things that happened that I just need some closure on. Thank goodness we get to close the door on the year, maybe that will help a little.

We had some good things too. Emma turned 8 on Easter Sunday and was baptized that evening. That was a good thing. Abby became an incredible reader and reads at least two grade levels above her age group. That's a good thing. Matt has a healthy heart and only broke one bone this year. That was a good thing. Millie turned one and scares the poop out of all of us. That really is a good thing, because we all laugh about that.

Josh got a new job, we have a new home (however temporary it is), we're all healthy and happy. It's a good way to begin the decade.

I've decided to write my goals for the year. I didn't write them last year and now I have no idea how pitifully I didn't fulfill them.

2010 Goals:

1. Stop using my pseudo-swear words. No more "crap" or "fricken" or "crap." This is going to be hard.

2. Finish my novel. Josh thinks this is going to be a lofty goal. Granted, so far I only have the Prologue, but I just rewrote it the other day and I like it so it should spur me on to finish the rest of the book, I hope.

3. Lose those last 25 lbs. I'll do this by exercising at least five days a week and eating better. That means I've got to finish the last few Diet Cherry Pepsi's in the fridge so I can stop drinking soda pop. And we've got to finish up the ice cream cake in the freezer so we can stop eating ice cream.

I think that's a pretty good start.

Here's to a new year, a new decade, and a new attitude of resolve. Cheers!