I've had ten days to prepare for this post. I had hoped it would be: "I'm thankful for the new baby joining our family." But that's not the case.
October 29 I had an ultrasound to check the baby and get a more accurate due date. Evidently, I ovulated really, really late this cycle so I wasn't nearly as far along as I expected. At our first ultrasound we couldn't get any dates because the baby was too small. But we saw the wee heart beating. The second ultrasound, the one ten days ago, started out bad. The tech suddenly stopped talking to us. You always know that's a bad sign.
We had to wait for the doctor to tell us that it looked like we lost the baby. She wasn't 100% sure, but she seemed fairly positive. But we decided to schedule another ultrasound for this morning to confirm everything.
Halfway through the week, I was sure everything was okay. My pregnancy symptoms continued and I just felt that everything would be fine.
I began spotting Sunday morning (yesterday), right before I headed off to church to help wrangle a bunch of Nursery kids. The cramps began that afternoon.
So, what am I thankful for? I could say something like, "I'm thankful that I get to start losing weight again" or "I'm thankful that I can try to run that half-marathon in January" or "I'm thankful we don't have to worry about the cost of childbirth" or "I'm thankful I can stop being so tired and sick now." And I'm sure I am thankful for those things. But I don't want to be thankful for them. Not right now.
What I'm really thankful for is the Love of God. Josh came home from work yesterday morning right before I had to run off to church. He used the power of the Priesthood and gave me a blessing, a direct message from my Heavenly Father. Things didn't work out the way I wanted, but He helped me know that it's all going to be fine. In the blessing I was told that if this isn't the time for our baby, that I need to know that I didn't do anything wrong. I already knew that. The Love of God had already testified that to me.
I've had faith that we will find comfort through this experience. And I think we have. But I've decided something. Just because I have faith in God's plan, does not mean that I cannot experience the human emotions of loss. I've lost the opportunity to love and nurture a child at this time. I'm sure I'll have another chance sometime, but for now I mourn my loss.
I used to think that mourning indicated weakness or a shaken testimony. It's neither. It's a natural reaction in our mortal lives. Even Jesus cried when Lazarus died. And I'm sure He knew He was going to raise His friend from the dead just a few minutes afterward.
Being sad doesn't negate my faith in God. I know He loves me. I know He has specific plans for our family. I know it is in His hands. And I'm thankful for my friends and family that personify God's love. He may not hold me in His arms, but He will send others to do so for Him.
I'm thankful for that.
7 comments:
*HUG*. I love you, and I love to hear your testimony like that. You are such a strong woman.
I can not even begin to tell you how much your blog touched my heart. I cried all the way through it and am still crying--
The things you wrote were an answer to some things I have been struggling with lately. It has nothing to do with being pregnaunt, but many other things.
I am so sorry for your loss and I am totally impressed with your faith, strength, and understanding of the Gospel.
Thank you again for your powerful insights and your openness to share these feelings.
Know that you have been an answer to my prayers!
So sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my prayers.
My love and tears are also with you. If you lived within an hour of my house I would drive over and cry with you right now...but alas, know that my prayers are combining with all of your friends and family in hopes of sending you peace and comfort in the days and weeks to come.
And I will add my testimony to yours...Thank God that we get to experience the negative so that we know never to take advantage of the positive. I have felt His ever-peaceful arms surround me when no one else could possibly understand and know that He will continue to send others to bless you!
All my love...
Jeri Dawn
Oh Shelly, What a beautiful testimony. I yearn to give you that hug you need. If only someone could invent that teleporter quick enough.
I am thankful that you wrote down your feelings, they will lift you when you need them or even your children if they need it. But they also lifted me. I am speaking in Sacrament this week on gratitude and the blessings we receive from being faithful. I wish you were giving the talk. Your words were touching. Maybe that is how I could give you that hug. ;) No, but I have a feeling you will be with me this week as I prepare for the talk.
I pray the Lord will be there to bless and strengthen you. May he send many angels to lift you up, starting with the ones he already blessed you with in your own home. I hope your daughter who was struggling with another sibling will not feel a burden from the loss. May you all feel of our Father's love. You are in our prayers.
Shelly, I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing this loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Shelly, I'm embarrassed. I have been a slacker of a friend and only breezing through your posts and not every day and somehow I missed that you miscarried. And then in today's post you mentioned that you'd had some trials, so I back-tracked to figure it out.
I'm SO sorry. I wish I would have hugged you just a little bit longer when I got to see you.
It is most definitely okay to mourn. Even Jesus Christ himself asked Heavenly Father to take away the bitter cup in Gethsemane. And by going through these personal Gethsemane's we understand our Savior and our Heavenly Father and the immense love they have for us even more. It's a hard lesson learned, but I know you know it will be worth it in the end.
I love you and hope you continue to find comfort and peace about this experience. I'm glad you're an open person and can write it out and talk it out.... I'm sure that helps. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I just wanted to acknowledge your loss and tell you I'm sorry and that I love you.
xo
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