I've Come to Realize...

I've been doing some introspection lately. I don't really know if that's a word, but I'm going to use it anyway. Tonight I received a message from a former professor telling me about some of my friends from the theatre and what they're up to. Several of my friends are very successful in their acting/designing careers. The one that made me gasp was finding out that my friend's husband is working with the costuming of Saturday Night Live. I love SNL. In fact, I've even dreamt of being on the show.

That got me thinking of my life and the direction it's taken and the direction it may have taken if I'd put "career" first. I never considered a career for myself because I always wanted to be a mom. And if I had to choose something to do, I'd choose acting. But I've learned that it is very, very difficult to be both a mom and an actor. (By the way, actor is considered gender-neutral.) I once met Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island. I asked her if she thought it was possible to hold a TV career and a family at the same time. She said no. She's never had children and she told me that her friend Barbara Eden from I Dream of Jeannie had her son during the run of the show and said that trying to focus on the two things at once was nearly impossible. I know Angelina Jolie has 14 kids and still has a movie career, but even she has said that she wants to retire to be able to focus on her family.

I guess this all got me thinking of how I had to choose either family or career. I think the first year and a half after I graduated from college, and ultimately decided to end my acting career, I resented the fact that my spotlight had dimmed. I was pretty miserable for a while. I didn't want to be home with my kids, but I did it because I should. And I think one of the culprits for this attitude was being so close to the place I missed so much. We stayed in our college town during that year and a half and I longed for the limelight. Acting was easy. I spent 15 hours a week at rehearsals, plus time spent at home memorizing. I stayed very busy and the kicker of it all was that I was successful. I was important. This is the kind of thing I've always fed off of. So, when the applause ended, I felt ripped off. I hate that I felt this way, but the truth is sometimes ugly. Motherhood was hard. I never really had to be a mom before. Daycare, Head Start, and preschool took care of my children for me. Josh tucked them in at night.

Now that I've put myself in order, I'm so much happier. I don't need to have the validation of a stranger to make me happy (although I love comments on the blog, hint hint). I've realized that I'm in a different phase of my life. Now is about my family. Truthfully, the four years of college should've been about them too, but I had a lot of Me Time. But, I'm going to try not to regret that. It's okay that I'm not working my "dream job". I may never have the chance at Broadway or Hollywood. But I also don't have to give up on my desire to act again someday. I firmly believe that there is harmony in all things. That doesn't necessarily mean that there is balance in all things. I couldn't balance family and theatre in college. Barbara Eden couldn't balance family and her TV career. Each end of the spectrum takes too much commitment to allow balance. But time creates a buffer and eventually harmony can be attained through patience. I'm not sure if that is profound or gibberish. I've spent all day cleaning the house and it's almost 1am. All I know is that I may not be basking in a successful career in the world, but I'm doing the most worthwhile thing for me at this time. I wouldn't trade my children for anything, most of the time. I need Josh more than any role that could ever be offered to me. And this is a good thing to realize. I think I've known this for a while, but sometimes the realization doesn't become tangible until you put it into words.

Do I hope to someday be Ms Hannigan in Annie or a regular cast member of SNL? Of course! But for now, I'm completely satisfied playing the role of "Mom."