And That, My Friend, Is What They Call "Closure"

Ever heard of "closure"? 

And THAT, my friend, is what they call CLOSURE from Leo Carbonell on Vimeo.

Closure is a popular psychology term. It refers to a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life.  --Wikipedia

Pardon my use of this century's pseudo-Britannica, but it works.

Yesterday was our opportunity to find closure with our miscarriage.  Maybe you're sick of me talking about it, but let me talk about it some more so you can see my point of view. 

A friend of mine told me over facebook: "I still get tears in my eyes when I remember my miscarriages. They hurt, and those who havent' had one can sometimes be insensitive, by wondering what the big deal is. But those of us who have been through it understand. We send our love and prayers. It is proper to morn, in fact it is probably very healthy to do so. I won't lie to you. You'll always remember, but with time, the pain of that remembrance will ease. God bless you."

I know it's true.  I'll always remember this.  It's with me forever. 

But it's also true that time is starting to help us heal.  I began my emotional healing just over a week ago when I crossed the finish line of the first 5k I did.  It triggered something in my mind that ultimately lead to a buffering in my heart.  It's hard to explain it, but it had nothing to do with crossing the finish line before that girl that kept trying to run way ahead of us, got tired and then fell behind then ran way ahead again and again.  She was just annoying.  No.  This was something bigger.  Something to remind me of my strength and ability to carry on.

The physical part was confirmed during our doctor's appointment yesterday.  The baby is for sure gone.  And so is nearly all of the physical preparation for him/her.  My doctor has been incredibly kind and helpful during this time.  She took the time to talk to us and let us know when we can try to have another baby.  (Btw, she said docs used to say three to six months, mostly so they'd have a previous period to use as a due date calculator, but there's no physical reason to wait.  She did suggest to wait until after my next period just so everything is cleared out and it's easier for a new egg to implant.) 

So I should have closure now.  And to an extent, I do.  I'm at the "conclusion" of a "traumatic event."  My emotions and body are able to move on.  However, my memory will always hold this "traumatic event" close.  It won't hold me back, but it will never be lost.

Confession of a Mother

I have some strengths.

I am organized.  Sometimes annoyingly so.  My DVDs are filed away by genre.  So are my cd's.  And then they're alphabetized within genre.  I arrive at church half an hour early to prepare for Nursery. My grocery shopping list is separated into sections of the store, and sometimes even by aisles.

I work hard.  The first month I worked in a call center for the credit union I broke the record for the most hours spent on the phone.  My teachers and bosses have all loved me because I always go above and beyond to find every possible way to excel.  I graduated magna cum laude.  I love to learn and apply my newfound knowledge.

I am optimistic.  I often start sentences with, "At least....."  Once in 8th grade my friend said to me, "Don't you ever get sick of looking on the bright side all the time?"  I guess I annoyed her.  Probably one reason why we are no longer friends.  But I often can find the good in most situations.  It's one reason I enjoyed my thankful posts for Thanksgiving.

But I have plenty of weaknesses.  And the greatest of them all has been slapping me in the face for a good two weeks now.

When it comes to my family, I don't utilize my strengths. 

(A little off subject, but something I need to get off my chest: I've known for a long time that I treat perfect strangers kinder than I do my own family.  I'll smile at a child crying in the grocery store.  Unless it's my own kid.  Then I'll grit my teeth and make threats that I'll never fulfill.  Am I really going to lock my child in the car?  No.  But I hiss it anyway.)

I do things well for other people, but when it comes to my own home, I'm too lackadaisical.  As if I expect my kids to just suddenly start cleaning up after themselves.  Hello?  How are they supposed to do anything if I don't teach them first?  Why should I expect mornings to run smoothly if I don't set the example of getting out of bed on time?  What good am I doing by letting them get away with no responsibilities beyond homework?  And it's all laziness on my part. 

We had Family Home Evening tonight where we established daily, weekly and monthly chores.  A first step in making our home more of a haven than a dump.  The only way this new plan will work is if I stay organized, work hard, and remain optimistic that it will be worth the effort in the long run.  I can do those things outside the home.  It's time to do them inside the home. 

It's time to flip my weakness into a strength.  It's nothing a whole lot of prayer and determination can't fix.

Going Old School

Ever watch the show "Cake Boss"?  I swear that you can depend on Buddy (the owner of the bakery the show follows) to use the term "old school" at least once an episode. 

It's time for me to go Old School.  It's time for some pictures chronicling our lives.

We spent last Tuesday in St George, UT, with my sister Tara and her family as they became an eternal family.  The St George temple is oldest functioning LDS temple in the world.  It is amazing to think of the craftsmanship that went in to building this temple over 100 years ago.

We got no good shots of Tara and Jabon with our camera, but I loved this one.  It looks like Ashton (the little guy at the bottom of the pic) is telling the paparazzi, "No more pictures, please."

The kids and I had spent the previous five days with our friends.  Here are our children trying to pose for a picture together. 

Trying to pose again.

Trying to pose again.

Thanksgiving morning my sister and I participated in a 5k.  Yes, my second one is less than a week's time.  I'm already becoming a seasoned racer.  Ha ha.  The proceeds from the race went to benefit a young woman we happen to know from church who is fighting a rare form of leukemia. 

Styling.

Josh was so nice to take pictures of us along the way.

I look like I'm walking, but I'm really not.  I promise.

At the end of the race we saw the finish line and I asked Tara if she had enough left to really run to the end.  She said she didn't.  Then we rounded the corner and the girl took off.  Of course, I did what any normal sister would do.  I called her a big liar and then sprinted to make sure she didn't leave me in the dust.  We crossed the finish line together.  And only 49 seconds slower than my brother and I had done just a few days before.

If you can just imagine a bunch of chaos, driving hundreds of miles, some antibiotics, lots of food, and plenty of extended family, then you can grasp an idea of what all the details in between the pictures are. 

It's been a fun and crazy holiday.

Christmas Movies!

'Tis the season.... to watch the best movies ever.

So here's our Christmas movie trivia for 2010......

#1
The movie we are watching right now:
Gangster Johnny on TV: You was here, last night too, wasn't ya?

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Yes... sir, I was
Gangster Johnny on TV: You was here, and you was smoochin' wit my brother!
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: [after a pause] I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'm afraid you're mistaken.
Gangster Johnny on TV: Don't gimme that! You've been smoochin' wit everybody! Snuffy. Al. Leo. Little Moe, with the gimpy leg. Cheeks. Boney Bob. Cliff.
Officer Cliff: [gasps] No!
[others stare at him in disgust]
Officer Cliff: It's a lie!
Gangster Johnny on TV: I could go on forever, baby!

#2
I want to do this quote because it's so funny:
Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that!
But it may not be so easily recognizable.  So here's this one instead:
Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.
Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah.

#3
Josh introduced this one to me the first Christmas we were married:
Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

#4
In honor of Emma who did this play in 2006:
Zuzu: Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

George: That's right, that's right.
George: Attaboy, Clarence.

#5
One of my very favorite Christmas movies:
Buddy: It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.


#6
In honor of our fun Christmas Eve last year:
Santa Claus: [voiceover, as the Hero Boy opens his package to reveal the lost sleigh bell] Found this on the seat of my sleigh. Better fix that hole in your pocket. Mr. C.


#7
Emma was almost in this play:
District Attorney: What is your name?

Kris Kringle: Kris Kringle.
District Attorney: Where do you live?
Kris Kringle: That's what this hearing will decide.
Judge Henry X. Harper: A very sound answer, Mister Kringle.
District Attorney: Do you really believe that you're Santa Claus?
Kris Kringle: Of course.
District Attorney: [long pause] The state rests, your honor.

#8
We need to watch the marathon of this one:
Charlie: [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared.

Scott Calvin: [looks around] He's naked somewhere.

#9
A true Classic:
Linus: I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.
 
#10
And one last one:
I must stop this whole thing! Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming... but how?


And the BONUS:
 
Nora Krank, we're here for Frosty!


Leave a comment with your guesses!

#25 I'm Thankful For.....

Some days it's easy to sit and think about what I'm thankful for.  I do that thing that I think a lot of bloggers do.... During the day I find moments when I think to myself, "I need to blog about this."  And I've found my thankful posts have been along the same lines.  I generally have an epiphany at some point during the day that I think, "Yep, that's what I need to write about."

Today I didn't have a single epiphany.  I'm not sure which way that sentence goes.  Did I have not one epiphany of what I'm thankful for today or did I have so many epiphanies that there wasn't one but many? 

Since this is my final thankful post I think I just don't want it to end with something lame or a cop out.  I don't want to have my final thoughts on this matter in 2010 to be, "I'm thankful for Thanksgiving."

So I'm going to list a few things that I didn't get to write a full post about.

I'm thankful for:

My parents
My siblings
Josh's parents
Josh's siblings
Good food
A beautiful house that we got for half price
My talents
Rockband
Good books that suck me in and I can't put down
Helping hands around the house
Dates with my Honey
My religion
A cool pillow and a warm bed
Josh's job

We've had some trials these last few weeks.  It hasn't always been easy to find something to be thankful for every day.  Some days I could tell you exactly what I'm not thankful for, but that would have defeated the purpose.  However, it's been very easy (even with our trials, vacation, etc) to sit and write a post everyday.  It's been important for me.  And I really wonder if I would have been able to make it through our miscarriage as easily if I hadn't had this project going on.  Some things just are not our own ideas.  They must come from other Sources.

I'm thankful for Divine Inspiration.

#24 I'm Thankful For.....

Last year I ventured out into Black Friday for the first time.  Both of my older girls wanted Nintendo DS's for Christmas.  Emma told me everything was going to be okay because Santa would bring hers.  How do you argue with that?

So I went and stood in line at Walmart for over an hour to get the NDSes.  By the time I got up there, I was told I could only have one.  Problem was I have two daughters.  Luckily, my sister Tara has more gumption than I do and she literally stepped in and got that second one for me.

My sister-in-law was teasing me a bit because I was holding the two small boxes constantly.  They didn't sit in our cart for even a second.  There was no way I was taking the chance that I would lose either of my two prizes. 

This year, I'm thankful I don't have to go to Black Friday for more affordable Christmas presents.  I can go if I want to, but I don't have to.



I'm so thankful for that!

#23 I'm Thankful For.....

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to write because we had a long, full day. 

We started out by watching my sister and her family get sealed together in the LDS temple in St George, UT.  They are no longer married "till death do you part."  They are now married "for time and all Eternity."  It was a beautiful ceremony and although I about froze my patooty off as all the pictures were taken, I loved it and I'm so happy for them!

I'm thankful for the temple and the ordinances performed within it that allow families to stay together forever.  If you want to see some pictures, be sure to go Here.

#22 I'm Thankful For.....

I was thinking about what I've written about and realized I hadn't written about my one and only son yet!  How could I nearly miss that???

Matthew is a laid back and easy going kid.  He loves to laugh and have fun.  He has a big smile that lights up the room.

All of these are good qualities and important for him to possess.  Sometimes you see someone and their challenges and think, "Wow, they have so much they are going through.  They must be a strong person."

And sometimes you look at someone you know and love so well and think, "Wow, if anyone can endure this challenge, it's you." 

This is how I feel about Matt and his heart condition.  I don't know anyone who could so patiently handle the trials Matt has.  He sits so quietly in the lobby of the doctor's office waiting for his check up.  He also so quietly has laid in his bed after having his heart literally in the surgeon's hands.

He is a good brother and uses this same patience with his sisters.  And goodness knows he puts up with a lot from them!

Matt is a loving, happy boy and I'm so happy to have him in our family.  I tuck him in every night and give him a kiss on his forehead.  He always rubs the spot I've kissed and declares to me, "Mom, I'm rubbing your kiss in!"  He's so sweet. 

I'm thankful for my Matthew Ammon.

#21 I'm Thankful For.....

I've had a few sappy posts lately.  I think that's what happens when you truly think of the things you are thankful for.  Those that are highest priority also get the most sincerity.

But sometimes the big things overshadow the smaller details.  The little things you love and don't even realize that you do.

A few weeks ago my dad told me a story about my great grandparents.  I think he must have been making his own thankful list because he's become a bit sentimental in the last couple of years.  He told me that he remembered when he was younger and there was talk of building a bathroom onto the house.  That would mean no more outhouse.

It would also mean, according to Grampa Capell, that the whole house would stink.  How could anyone even consider putting a commode inside the house?  It wasn't worth the hassle.  He preferred to fill the hole with dirt and move the outhouse to a new spot when it got stinky.  You can't do that if it's connected to the house.

I never got to meet Grampa Capell in this life.  Probably had a few great conversations with him before I was born and in Heaven.  He sounds like an incredible man and Dad has nothing but loving memories of him.

But I'm thankful for indoor plumbing.

And air freshener.

#20 I'm Thankful For.....

Today was the 5k for Chloe's Sunshine Playground.  It was my first actual race.

My friend Cindy and I had agreed to participate together.  As I was talking to my brother Peter about it, he thought it would be a cause worth joining in as well.

So at 7:00 this morning we loaded Emma and Abby into the van and the four of us (we met Pete at the race) took off.  Cindy's husband was kind enough to keep Matt and Millie with him and their boys.  We got our snazzy t-shirts and race numbers and timing chips.  We stretched and got ready to run.

There were some major concerns I had coming into this:

1.  The elements.  It was a bit windy this morning and it was about 50 degrees.  That doesn't sound too bad, but it was cloudy.  And I'm ashamed to admit how cold I actually was. 

2.  The altitude.  There's an elevation difference of 2855 feet between my home and Syracuse, UT.  It's not much of a difference, but it's enough of one that I knew it could really hinder me.

3.  Out of shape.  I haven't done very much running in the last several weeks.  I completed the c25k program with perfect attendance.  I didn't miss a day.  As soon as that tenth week came, I was lucky to run two days a week.  That went on for a several weeks and then when I miscarried I took an several days off from running.  This week I ran/walked 2 miles on Monday and ran 2.6 miles on Wednesday.  I wasn't sure how I'd do today.

4.  Headache.  I suddenly found myself with a major headache around the 2k mark, despite my efforts to drink lots of water yesterday.

But I am absolutely thankful for my goals and my ability to accomplish them.  A couple of times I actually considered suggesting that Pete and I stop and walk.  But I didn't want to.  I wanted to run.  I had things to prove to myself.  We were some of the slower starters.  Lots of people ran quickly ahead of us.  But we stayed steady and around the 4k mark we picked up the pace. 

When we saw the stop light next to the finish line we picked it up even more.

We rounded the corner to the last several yards to the finish line and picked it up again.  Then Pete and I began sprinting.  At least I did.  Pete was very chivalrous and allowed me to pull ahead of him.  I barely made it over the finish line before him.  But the main point is.....

I made it.

Pardon the blurriness.  Abby was our photographer! :)

I ran the entire 5k.  33.55 minutes.  Despite the elements, the altitude, the headache, and the near depression of the last two weeks I accomplished my goal. 

Crossing the finish line was like crossing a line in my life.  The line indicating my first step to move on.  I ran a 5k on sheer will power.  And now life has affirmed that I can use that will power for anything.  And becoming a stronger person is Step 1. 

I'm thankful for my first 5k race today.

(I'm also thankful for my friends that stopped by and said hi this afternoon.  I loved seeing you and can't wait to do it again sometime.)

#19 I'm Thankful For.....

Today I'm thankful for lazy days.  Like the ones where you don't really do anything.  Nothing really gets accomplished, but it's okay because nothing really needed to be accomplished. 

Including my thankful post.  I'm expecting a busy day tomorrow and a more lively thankful post.  Tomorrow.

But for today I'm thankful for the small moments when I just get to be lazy.

#18 I'm Thankful For.....

Today's thankful post is pretty straight forward: I'm thankful we had a successful road trip today. 

I'm thankful we had no mechanical issues.

I'm thankful we had no weather issues, except for that bit of wind that lasted about 20 miles.

I'm thankful the kids were mostly good.

I'm thankful we only had to stop four times because Millie couldn't sit still any longer.

I'm thankful my husband supports and loves me enough to encourage me to have fun, even if it's without him.

I'm thankful for Diet Cherry Pepsi.

I'm thankful it was only 13.5 hours on the road.  It really could have been much, much worse.

#17 I'm Thankful For.....

Some people endure high school.  Like Josh.  High school was not his favorite time of life, I think.  When we go driving through the beautiful highlands lying north of the valley, Josh often points out the lakes and/or ice cream shops that he visited during regularly scheduled school days.

Yesterday Emma was allowed to hang her campaign posters.  She's running for student body president.  I took the kids to school early and we hung the posters before all the good spots were taken.  Funnily enough, the politics of elementary school aren't nearly as cutthroat as they seemed to be in high school.  Anyway, I asked Josh if he ever ran for office in school.  He just kind of looked at me. 

I ran a couple times.  I never won.  But I did successfully help a few of my friends campaign.  I got to be on the student council since I was the Honor Society President.  I served with several of my friends.  My best friends included the FBLA president, the Senior class president, some Sterling Scholars, the Key Club president, Student Body President, various athletes, members of choirs and bands, and (of course) the drama club.  There's more.  I just can't remember it all.

I loved high school.  Obviously.  I was always busy.  A typical day could easily include practices for assemblies, play practice, choir practices, football games, basketball games, voice lessons, student council meetings, NHS meetings, Seminary Council meetings (we had released time LDS seminary and I served on that council as well), homework for my classes (including AP classes), and my 10-hour/week part time job as the "Snack Bar Girl" at a roller skating rink.  And I loved every second of it. 

I had the best friends.  We did so much together and kept each other on track.  I'm not always the easiest person to love.  I know that shocks you, but it's true.  Yet, so many of my friends from 14 years ago are still my friends, despite the fact that I've had 17 different addresses in 4 different states since we graduated. 

And I get to see some of them this weekend -- starting tomorrow night when I land at Cindy's house.  I love that we are taking this trip.  The kids are just as excited as I am.  I think we've all been wanting a chance to get out of the house.  The only bummer is that Josh has to work so he's not coming.  That's really sad.  (I'm going to miss you, Baby!)  But I'm still really looking forward to being with my friends, meeting spouses I haven't met before, watching my kids play with theirs. 

I'm so thankful for my wonderful memories of high school and for my friends that I've been able to keep.

#16 I'm Thankful For.....

Consider this post a "clip post".  Kind of like a clip show on a sitcom.

I'm thankful for my husband.  And here's why:

1.  We have a great story of how we met.
2.  Our first date was two months after we met and a month before we were engaged.
3.  Longer stories of our courtship. (Separate links)
4.  He's so cute!!!
5.  He has star qualities.  (Separate links)
6.  He's talented and creative.
7.  We have the same crushes.
8.  We have the funniest inside jokes.
9.  He's humble.
10.  He can pull off footie pajamas better than anyone!

If this were TV, you'd really like this post.

#15 I'm Thankful For.....

I know I've told this story before, but it's a good one.

The day Abby was born, she made sure the world knew it.  My labor had slowed and my doctor thought he had enough time to go assist in a c-section with another doctor.  I was put on pitocin and in less than an hour I knew it was time.  I told Josh who told the nurse.  She came in to check me out and started to freak out.  Yep, Abby was on her way but my doctor was still down the hall in the OR. 

So the nurse ran and grabbed some kid in the hallway.  I think he may have been a doctor, but I'm not 100% sure.  The nurses threw a gown on him.  As they tried to fit his fingers on his right hand into a glove, his left hand kind of held a glove in some sort of finger-tip-protection position. 

Meanwhile, I could feel Abby coming.  I mean, she was a-comin'!  I kept saying, "She's coming!  She's coming!!!"  And the nurse and boy-doctor kept saying back to me, "Don't push!  Don't push!!!"  To which I responded, "I can't help it!  I can't help it!!!"  The boy-doctor held that glove with his fingertips and I think he held it against her crowning head to try to keep Abby from just shooting out. 

This is my Abby.  She has always been a full force girl.  She makes me crazy but I love her so much.  She wants to be her own person, so it's an amazing compliment when she tries to dress like me or read when I do.  She's smarter than she gives herself credit for.  (She's a lot like her dad in that way.)  She's a force to be reckoned with.  She has a good heart and she can be very loving and caring when she wants to be.  She's a wonderful daughter and I'm excited (and scared to death) for her to grow into the beautiful young woman she desires to be.

I'm thankful for my Abby Lynn.

#14 I'm Thankful For.....

Josh tells me that he enjoys reading my blog because it's like reading my journal.  I'm pretty honest with what I write.  Sometimes I write to vent.  Sometimes I write to inform. Sometimes I write to brag.  Sometimes I write because I'm so bored that I'll die if I don't do something. 

Tonight I write to sort myself out.  I gave myself a week to slow down and prepare to recharge.  We began losing our baby a week ago today.  Since then, I've been trying to relax so I can heal both physically and emotionally. 

Physically: Tomorrow I'm going running for the first time in over a week.  It's the longest I've gone without running since August.  I'm looking forward to getting out and just running.  Plus, it's time to get these extra pounds back off.  I gained several pounds the last six weeks as I ate what I wanted when I wanted.  Tomorrow I put my Bodybugg back on and start logging my food again.  No more late night ice cream binges.  I don't know if I'll really miss that.  The binging guilt isn't always worth it.

Emotionally: I'm still having a hard time.  I still know Heavenly Father loves us.  And I truly believe we are meant to have another child in the near future.  But there are those things that get me down.  I didn't give birth, but my body has to heal as if I did.  This is where I get a bit upset.  I don't have a baby, so why should I have to deal with this for so many days?  A miscarriage isn't like a regular period.  But it's not like postpartum recovery.  It's this limbo in between.  But with the same amount of hormones.  And that's the killer.

I'm not at that point where I see pregnant women and mourn.  I see babies and want one, but I was like that before. 

I think the hardest part is speaking out loud about how I feel.  I can write about it, but when I talk about it I worry about being too emotional.  And then the person I'm talking to might get worried about me.  I don't want anyone to worry.  I'm the worrier.  That's my job.  Not anyone else's.  So I go into mechanical mode and I feel like I sound so heartless.  Like I don't really care that I lost a baby.  But I do.  It feels so contradictory and I hate feeling that way.  But I haven't figured out how to master the balance yet.

And so I write.  It's easier than talking.  My favorite aspect of my keyboard is the Backspace button.  I can express myself so much easier because of it.  And I can take a while to think about what I want to say.  There's no pressure on me to answer the question, "How are you?" because I can sit and figure out what the answer really is before I say it.  I can express myself and feel liberated.

Today I'm thankful for my blog and my ability to write.  I'm thankful for emails I write that express my feelings even more than my blog does.  I like writing.  I wish I could do it even more.  And I hope to be proficient at it one day. 

#13 I'm Thankful For.....

Tonight as we drove home we began a bit of a family sing-along.  It started out with Primary songs: I Am a Child of God, Follow the Prophet, etc.  Then Josh asked the kids what their favorite Christmas songs are.  It may seem a little early for Christmas but I love it and I learned last year to begin celebrating Christmas as soon as I could because the weather throws me off and I need all the time I can find to get ready for it.  (That sentence was a little Faulkner-ish, I think.) 

Anyway, we began singing a few different carols: Up On the Housetop, Silent Night, Jingle Bells, and so on.  But my favorite part was when each kid sang their own solo.  Abby sang a song she's practicing for the school choir concert next month.  Emma sang some cute little song that she made up the words for since she couldn't remember them.  And even Matt, who rarely sings out loud, sang a bit of O Christmas Tree for us.  Millie joined in on a few of the songs too. 

I love that my family loves to sing together.  Actually, I just love that they love to sing at all.  Singing is one of my favorite things to do.  And singing Christmas songs is a double whammy of greatness.

I'm so thankful for music and the power it has to bring people together. 

#12 I'm Thankful For.....

Hello.  My name is Shelly and I'm a TV-holic.

I watch quite a bit of TV.  Mostly because my house would be way too quiet at night without it.  How funny is it that all day long I wish for a moment of peace and at night when I get it I turn on the TV to drown it out.

Today I'm thankful for my DVR. 

But now I'm tired from staying up late watching Blue Bloods on my DVR.  So I'm going to bed. 

How's that for a nice and insightful post, eh?

#11 I'm Thankful For.....

I think it's very convenient that Veterans Day falls in the middle of my Thankful Project. 

I'm an Air Force Brat.  Yep.  Moved a lot.  Met a lot of people.  Switched schools fairly often.  Although, most of the moving occurred earlier in my life when Dad was not active duty.  Dad had been in the ROTC and served in the Air Force Reserves.  When I was in 2nd grade he became a recruiter for the Reserves.  His first assignment sent us to New Orleans, Louisiana.  Then we hopped over to Idaho and Utah, where we were able to stay for several years since Dad was able to promote within the same office. 

After I graduated from high school, Dad was transferred to Colorado Springs, Colorado.  It was at this point in my life that I seriously considered joining the Reserves myself.  I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life.  School didn't interest me, but I knew I didn't want to work at the gas station for much longer (hated that job).  My only other option seemed to be joining the military. 

I told Dad about my decision and he sat me down, as if I were one of his possible-recruits.  He looked me in the eye and told me, "The reason you join the military is because you love your country and want to serve it.  If the only reason you want to join is for the benefits, then you're doing it for the wrong reason and need to think about it more."

I learned something from my dad.  My dad who loved his career in the Air Force Reserves and came from a long line of honorable veterans, including both his mother and father.  Serving the nation of the United States of America is not a benefit.  It's an honor.  One that cannot be taken lightly.  Soldiers serve because they love their country.

I remember when I was 12.  I was watching TV and the announcement came over the airwaves that the Gulf War had begun.  I began to cry.  I was so worried that my dad would have to leave us to go fight.  After all, his father had fought in Vietnam and Korea.  I'd heard the recordings Dad and his sisters had made that they sent to him.  I'd heard Grampa's stories.  It didn't matter that most of his stories revolved around him being in bar fights with his buddies.  I was still scared that Dad would have to leave us to be put in harm's way.  He found me crying and asked what the matter was.  I told him and he reassured me that as a recruiter he was needed much more on the home front than out in the fields. 

Those couple of moments of fear are the closest I'll ever know of what it is like to have a close family member away at war (I hope).  I'm so grateful to those that serve and sacrifice their lives for us.  It's not just the overwhelming sacrifice of possibly never coming home.  It's the sacrifice of missing time at home with their families.  The days and months spent in a foreign land protecting people they don't even know.  Missing holidays and birthdays and milestones.  And, of course, the families that support them without question.

The members of the military and the veterans that previously served are incredible.  True heroes.  People to look up to and admire.  I love my dad and his service.  I love my grampa and his long career of being in many battlefields (beyond the bar fights haha!).  Our family history indicates our family's dedication to this nation from the Civil War to the Revolutionary War.  I'm thankful for their service and love that I have this heritage.

Thank you, all members of the military both active duty and veteran.  And to my brother, Peter, just beginning his Air Force career: God be with you.  I love you, little brother.  You are already one of my heroes.

#10 I'm Thankful For.....

You may remember how I was slightly upset over a fender bender Josh was involved in, by no fault of his own.  The gentleman tried to file a claim against our insurance.  But to no avail.

His insurance recognized the dent in the side of our car was not caused by two vehicles colliding, but by the bumper of another vehicle backing into our door.  Thank goodness. 

Next Monday morning our car will be taken to a local body shop where the work will begin to fix the door, replace the broken handle, and whatever other damage was included in this mess.  After Josh drops the car off, a rental car will be brought for him to drive home so he has a replacement vehicle while ours is in the shop. 

I'm so thankful we will have our car fixed, Josh will have a rental to hold him over, and we don't have to pay our $500 deductible for something that wasn't our fault.  Also, I'm thankful the truth was obvious and the insurance company willingly took liability for their customer's mistake. 

#9 I'm Thankful For.....

Today I would be the worst person in the world if I didn't acknowledge all of the wonderful family and friends I have.  I'm so thankful for such wonderful people that love us so much.  It's no wonder when I think of all the people I love that there are so many.

I'm thankful for the phone calls, the emails, the messages, the texts, the blog comments, the virtual hugs, and all the prayers on our behalf.  I'm thankful to have my sister and brother-in-law just down the street that spend time with us and grill burgers for us.  I'm thankful we get to spend Thanksgiving with so many of our family.  I'm thankful I get to take a few days to visit some of my friends and family in Utah next week. 

I'm thankful to know that if I need to talk to someone, all I have to do is pick my preferred mode of communication and someone, somewhere, will be there for me.  I love that.  And I love all of you.

Thank you!!  (Uh oh, someone brought a bunch of mushiness in here!)

#8 I'm Thankful For.....

I've had ten days to prepare for this post.  I had hoped it would be: "I'm thankful for the new baby joining our family."  But that's not the case.

October 29 I had an ultrasound to check the baby and get a more accurate due date.  Evidently, I ovulated really, really late this cycle so I wasn't nearly as far along as I expected.  At our first ultrasound we couldn't get any dates because the baby was too small.  But we saw the wee heart beating.  The second ultrasound, the one ten days ago, started out bad.  The tech suddenly stopped talking to us.  You always know that's a bad sign. 

We had to wait for the doctor to tell us that it looked like we lost the baby.  She wasn't 100% sure, but she seemed fairly positive.  But we decided to schedule another ultrasound for this morning to confirm everything. 

Halfway through the week, I was sure everything was okay.  My pregnancy symptoms continued and I just felt that everything would be fine.

I began spotting Sunday morning (yesterday), right before I headed off to church to help wrangle a bunch of Nursery kids.  The cramps began that afternoon.

So, what am I thankful for?  I could say something like, "I'm thankful that I get to start losing weight again" or "I'm thankful that I can try to run that half-marathon in January" or "I'm thankful we don't have to worry about the cost of childbirth" or "I'm thankful I can stop being so tired and sick now."  And I'm sure I am thankful for those things.  But I don't want to be thankful for them.  Not right now.

What I'm really thankful for is the Love of God.  Josh came home from work yesterday morning right before I had to run off to church.  He used the power of the Priesthood and gave me a blessing, a direct message from my Heavenly Father.  Things didn't work out the way I wanted, but He helped me know that it's all going to be fine.  In the blessing I was told that if this isn't the time for our baby, that I need to know that I didn't do anything wrong.  I already knew that.  The Love of God had already testified that to me. 

I've had faith that we will find comfort through this experience.  And I think we have.  But I've decided something.  Just because I have faith in God's plan, does not mean that I cannot experience the human emotions of loss.  I've lost the opportunity to love and nurture a child at this time.  I'm sure I'll have another chance sometime, but for now I mourn my loss. 

I used to think that mourning indicated weakness or a shaken testimony.  It's neither.  It's a natural reaction in our mortal lives.  Even Jesus cried when Lazarus died.  And I'm sure He knew He was going to raise His friend from the dead just a few minutes afterward. 

Being sad doesn't negate my faith in God.  I know He loves me.  I know He has specific plans for our family.  I know it is in His hands.  And I'm thankful for my friends and family that personify God's love.  He may not hold me in His arms, but He will send others to do so for Him. 

I'm thankful for that.

#7 I'm Thankful For......

I have what some would consider a hard calling at church.  No, I'm not the Relief Society President or any other president.  Thank goodness.  But I am in charge of 50 toddler/preschoolers in the Nursery.

I've begun to enjoy my calling, despite the stresses of finding substitutes and keeping kids entertained and under control for two hours.

What so nice is that it's getting easier.  And I'm thankful for that. 

We've done a few things to make it easier.  First of all, I have four classes and two teachers in each classroom.  They all know the routine and are teaching it to the kids.  Ahh.

Second, we are training the parents to collect their children as quickly as they can after church so the next ward can begin setting up.  And today they did.

Third, we don't need substitutes every week, but when we do the subs are generally very willing to help out.  Today we had three substitutes and our music director helped fill in for the fourth teacher that was missing. 

Fourth, we are having some success with our extremely experimental older class.  Two of our classes consist of 25 kids that will move to Sunbeams in January.  The other two classes consist of the younger kids that we get to keep for another year.  In the older classes we do a lot of combined activities: read books, play with toys, and do music time.  They separate to make the lesson and snack times more manageable.  Last week we began our experiment.  We decided to change things up and have an opening exercises, sharing time, and music time to "practice" for Primary.  Then we break for snack and lesson and combine at the end to play with toys.  We'll keep this up through the rest of the year.  The kids are getting it and the teachers are SO AWESOME.  I really couldn't ask for better teachers to help prepare the kids for the sitting and expected reverence of Primary.

I'm thankful for my calling, the kids, the teachers, the parents, the Primary leaders and Bishopric that check in with me nearly weekly to make sure I'm surviving, my kids that help me prepare, my sister that stops and helps me set up some Sundays, my husband that listens to me report how my day went, and everyone else that does anything they can to help us out.  I'm sure I make a bigger deal out of it than it really is, but it's my calling and if I'm going to spend my energy on it, I better do it right.

#6 I'm Thankful For.......

Yesterday Emma came home with a paper.  It was a two page letter explaining the new formation of the Student Council, the description of the student officers, and a permission slip for any 4th or 5th graders interested in running for office.  It's late in the school year, nearly halfway through considering that the kids started the year at the beginning of August.  But it is the first year this school has been open and there were plenty of other things to work out during the first of the year.

Emma gained a desire to run for student body a week or so ago when the Charlie Brown special was on TV.  The first half was about the Great Pumpkin while the second half of the program was about Linus running for student office.  Emma thought that was the coolest thing.  I told her that she'll probably have the chance to run for office starting in middle school. 

Little did I know her aspirations for a political career would have the opportunity to materialize sooner rather than later.

Emma wants to run for Student Body President.  I hope she succeeds.  Emma is smart, responsible, helpful, funny, a good friend, courteous, loving, honorable, talented, gracious, generous, loyal.  The list could go on and on.  She makes friends and keeps them.  She loves to snuggle.  She still says she struggles with the thought of a new brother or sister, but she's going to love that baby as soon as she sees him/her.  That's how loving she is. 

Emma is a good person.  She has an obvious potential for goodness throughout her life.  She has a brightness that shines around her, as if her guardian angels are constantly watching her and helping her along the way. 

I'm thankful for Emma.  My first born.  My joy and happiness.  The girl I aspire to be like and never want to disappoint.  My baby makes me a better person.  Thank you, Emma Rose.

#5 I'm Thankful For......

Yesterday Emma needed help opening a can of Mandarin oranges.  She turned to me and said, "Mom, are you thankful for can openers?"

Emma has no idea that I'm trying to find something everyday to be thankful for, so I found her comment quite profound.

Yes, I'm thankful for can openers.  And microwaves.  And my George Foreman grill.

I am not a chef.  Nor am I a cook or baker.  I don't search the Internet for new recipes.  I rarely experiment with dinner.  I'm not fond of menu planning or grocery shopping.  I'm very bland in the kitchen, although I have a few go-to recipes that are good and plenty flavorful.

I love watching cooking reality shows like Hell's Kitchen or The Next Food Network Star or Chopped.  But I often wonder how those chefs would fare in a kitchen as sparsely stocked as mine.  I think it would make a great elimination challenge.

But for me and my purposes, I'm thankful for the little things in my kitchen.  And maybe someday, with the proper tools and training, I'll discover my inner Julia Child.

#4 I'm Thankful For......

Today I'm thankful for Florence Nightingale.

1.  My husband is a nurse.  It's his calling in life.  He's good at it.  He enjoys it.  He thrives on it.  If he has to spend 40 hours a week away from me, nursing is where he should be.

2.  Florence wasn't the pioneer of pharmacology, but she's a nice segue to it.  I'm thankful for medications.  Specifically Children's Tylenol.  I've given doses to three different children today.  And I need to stock up because I have a feeling that I'll need to give a few more doses before the week is over.

3.  And moving along with the medical theme, I'm thankful for modern medicine.  Today I got a postcard reminding me to schedule Matt's next cardio appointment.  Where would he be without incredible doctors, nurses, surgeons, medications, ultrasounds, 2x2 gauze, and pleasant office staff that greet us at the office or on the phone?  Well, we know where he'd be.  And maybe me too.  No one can ever convince me that modern medicine is not a modern day miracle. 

So thank you, Florence Nightingale.  You were an incredible woman and your life has truly affected mine.

#3 I'm Thankful For......

I was a loud and attention-seeking drama queen once upon a time.  I know it's so hard to imagine that.  But it's true.  I said stupid things.  I did stupid things.  Most of the time I actually thought about what I was saying or doing before I did it and decided to go ahead and do them anyway because they'd be funny.  I think you could call that Premeditated Stupidity.

So what am I thankful for?  I am SO thankful that there was no You Tube, iPhones, Facebook, or even digital cameras when I was in high school.  I know there are people that remember some of my "finer" moments.  But I am so glad there is nothing recorded to PROVE that I actually did those stupid things.

What stupid things? you ask.  Why the heck would I tell you?  You probably remember more moments than I do.

#2 I'm Thankful For.....

I've noticed a sad trend among a few of my friends on Facebook.  About once a month at least one person reports a status of their sadness in regards to divorce.  Either theirs or their parents' divorce.  It really breaks my heart.

But that's not what I'm thankful for.  What I am thankful for is my children's inability to understand what divorce is.  I can't imagine ever living my life without Josh.  I hate the thought of being away from him for a single day.  But as much pain and suffering as voluntarily living without him would cause me, I can't fathom the thought of him living away from our children. 

And what I'm truly thankful for is the fact that I never have to worry about that.  Our children don't see us fight.  Mostly because we don't.  We have our differences, of course, because who doesn't?  But we never yell at each other.  We never call each other names.  We show each other love and respect.  And we constantly strive to be aware of each other and the other person's needs. 

Of course my children don't comprehend divorce.  They have no reason to.  And I'm eternally thankful for that.

I'm Thankful For....

There are a lot of things I'm thankful for.  I'm a little late with yesterday being November 1st, but I'm going to try to post something everyday that I'm thankful for until Thanksgiving.

Today I'm thankful for my strong-personality-baby-girl, Millie.

Millie's personality became apparent before she was born.  I didn't have that blessing with the three older kids, but Millie is a bit larger than life at times.

This video is her on a typical day.  She's not nearly as boisterous as usual because of how tired she is.  If I remember right, I caught her on a Sunday afternoon after playing in Nursery at church all morning.

To give you another idea of how strong-willed she is, let me tell you a little story.  The other day I took Millie to the store with me.  It was getting late and, again, she was tired.  Every time we go to the store she asks for the unique carts.  At this particular store, sometimes you can find the carts that look like cars.  We found one and Millie ran to it.  I pushed her around the store getting the items I needed and we finally made it to the check out line.

Insert tired fit HERE. 

Millie began getting out of the car and trying to walk around.  She was bored and wanted to do her own thing.  She didn't like it when I told her she had to stay in her car or I had to hold her.  I just didn't want to lose her in the crowded store.  She wouldn't go back in her car, so I picked her up.  Then she began screaming bloody murder.  The octaves were off the charts.  Heads turned to stare.  Children pointed.  I'm sure I blushed.  But I continued to hold her because I didn't want her to wander off.  And then she started yelling, "He'p!  He'p!  He'p!"  (That means "Help" in case you didn't catch it.)  For crying out loud.  I set her in the front of the cart and within thirty seconds she calmed down and I checked out without any more problems. 

And as much as you're snickering about my baby yelling for help in the middle of the crowded grocery store, just realize that she really is awesome.  I love her liveliness.  I also love when she snuggles next to me on the couch and we watch Curious George together. 

She's loving, loyal, and caring. 

I love her and I'm so thankful Heavenly Father sent her to me.